"Colder than a Conservative's heart"

Harper. Barf. This is so sad, no man with a comb-over should run a country. Poor Canada, I am gently whimpering. I'm kinda scared that we are handing over our country to religious zealots...wait that is reality.
No words, just bedroom eyes.

In other news a deafening fire alarm is going off in my hallway, but considering that it is past midnight and I am in my jammies, I do not plan on leaving...so if there is a gas leak in the building and someone finds me slumped over my keyboard tomorrow morning these are my last words...

Baby in a Corner

Dinner was great last night. I had four peas, a half scoop of mashed potatoes and all the ice cream that I could eat.

Senile, Aisle 5

I am currently sipping a fuzzy navel 70's style, and decided to take this time to share a little event from my day. I have also decided that tequilla is a killer of children and tastes bad.

At around six o'clock this fine evening, doe-eyed and unassuming, I meandered into the Metro on Parc to pick up a few things...little did I know that I would be locked up in a feedback loop for what seemed like eternity, with perhaps the oldest being alive (older than fossils and dust). As I was rounding the assorted meats counter with a spring in my step that meant business to all those around me, I was drawn in by a small frail voice that said "misssssss"..it was a hissy miss, my favourite kind. I looked up to see an old woman starring at me with pleading eyes, holding some packaged meats. Being a decent person, I ambled over to see how I could help, carefully checking her face for band-aids, which would be a sure sign that she is coo coo cray cray nuts. No band-aids, good to go:

Fossil: (Holding meats) What is this?
Me: Bologna
Fossil: How much is it?
Me: $3.78
Fossil: What is this?
Me: Mortadelle
Fossil: How much?
Me: $2.79
Fossil: Anything with garlic in it? I need garlic in meats. In times of scurvy, syphillius and scabies, garlic cured everyone.
Me: (looking) I don't see any with garlic.
Fossil: You know what they have these days? Bird Flu, that avian business. You need garlic to cure that.
Me: True
Fossil: What is this one?
Me: Salami..it's $2.67
Fossil: They used to say, "you're full of bologna"
Me: Yes, but that's salami, not bologna.
Fossil: What brand?
Me: Piller's
Fossil: What?
Me: Piller's
Fossil: What-ners
MeL P-i-l-l-e-r's
Fossil: I don't know. Does it have garlic?
Me: No. It looks good though, I would take that one.
Fossil: (soul gaze) I've got a grandson. He likes garlic in his meat too.
Me: (brain implosion)

Needless to say this incident couldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes, but it left a lasting impression on me. Good for this old lady to be self-reliant and do her own groceries. Hats off to her crazy garlic-loving senility.

My Life as a Blog

Lad(s) and Lasses...I have neglected this blog for many good reasons, one being that I am not particularily at the height of my HILARY-tee because I am happy and well adjusted and therefore lacking the neurosis that was the driving force behind my humour.

To keep things au courrant, I am encorporating a new feature in the coming days: story time! These stories will be interesting, but I cannot promise they will be my own. I have one in mind, a little ditty I'd like to call "A Brush with Disaster". Compared to my usual fare, this story is pretty tame, because it is of Czech origen and therefore inherently less scandalous.

In other news:

1) I wore green and blue polka dot socks today. They were good in my boots, just the right thickness. I normaly wear only black so it was kinda wild.

2) For the first time in forever, I walked in the rain without an umbrella and was not preturbed in the slightest.

3) I got my ass SERVED to me in squash... I was a sweaty mess, I am out of shape.

4) A friend who shall remain nameless referred to shaved male legs as "buttery".

That is all. Any questions will be forwarded to my secretary.

So Many Things

I need a story, a mindbending nosebleed of a tale. I want to make a funny digital short, I crave such things. Andy Milonakis has a funny blog. I met him at a party in L.A, his friend hit on me, I rule.