The Ethos of Party Tricks

I'd Like to Buy Avowal

2006-03-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

I am not one for pleasantries, so let me just elide the fact that I have not posted in eons. Apparently Margaret Thatcher was still in office and offended by my glib remarks against conservatives, mea culpa.

I turned on the telly this morn, only to see that the "beloved" curmudgeon Regis Philbin was being replaced by Pat Sajak on Live!...This set me on a pattern of thinking about Wheel Of Fourtune, and all of a sudden I remembered once reading that Vanna White had written a best-selling autobiography in 1987, entitled "Vanna Speaks!". In said masterpiece, Vanna recounts a memorrable incident where she found herself extremely high before a flight and ended up eating an ENTIRE MEATLOAF on the plane and then passed out. No, not Meatloaf the singer, you sick bastards, however this was the 80's and he was still popular. For some reason, picturing Vanna White stoned and scarfing down meatloaf leaves me elated, euphoric, as neurons fire at obcenely high speeds in my brain. Why is this so funny? Is it even true? I tried to do some internet research to dig up the exact chapter, but alas, nothing was found. This leaves me with one choice: get my hands on Vanna Speaks! and get to the bottom of this affair. Should anyone be so kind to anonymously send me their used copy, no questions will be asked as to why they bought it in the first place.

Equation Time!

Vanna White (circa 1987)
Plus
Plus
Equals

"Colder than a Conservative's heart"

2006-01-24T00:17:00.000-05:00

Harper. Barf. This is so sad, no man with a comb-over should run a country. Poor Canada, I am gently whimpering. I'm kinda scared that we are handing over our country to religious zealots...wait that is reality.
No words, just bedroom eyes.

In other news a deafening fire alarm is going off in my hallway, but considering that it is past midnight and I am in my jammies, I do not plan on leaving...so if there is a gas leak in the building and someone finds me slumped over my keyboard tomorrow morning these are my last words...

Baby in a Corner

2006-01-18T10:52:00.000-05:00

Dinner was great last night. I had four peas, a half scoop of mashed potatoes and all the ice cream that I could eat.

Senile, Aisle 5

2006-01-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

I am currently sipping a fuzzy navel 70's style, and decided to take this time to share a little event from my day. I have also decided that tequilla is a killer of children and tastes bad.

At around six o'clock this fine evening, doe-eyed and unassuming, I meandered into the Metro on Parc to pick up a few things...little did I know that I would be locked up in a feedback loop for what seemed like eternity, with perhaps the oldest being alive (older than fossils and dust). As I was rounding the assorted meats counter with a spring in my step that meant business to all those around me, I was drawn in by a small frail voice that said "misssssss"..it was a hissy miss, my favourite kind. I looked up to see an old woman starring at me with pleading eyes, holding some packaged meats. Being a decent person, I ambled over to see how I could help, carefully checking her face for band-aids, which would be a sure sign that she is coo coo cray cray nuts. No band-aids, good to go:

Fossil: (Holding meats) What is this?
Me: Bologna
Fossil: How much is it?
Me: $3.78
Fossil: What is this?
Me: Mortadelle
Fossil: How much?
Me: $2.79
Fossil: Anything with garlic in it? I need garlic in meats. In times of scurvy, syphillius and scabies, garlic cured everyone.
Me: (looking) I don't see any with garlic.
Fossil: You know what they have these days? Bird Flu, that avian business. You need garlic to cure that.
Me: True
Fossil: What is this one?
Me: Salami..it's $2.67
Fossil: They used to say, "you're full of bologna"
Me: Yes, but that's salami, not bologna.
Fossil: What brand?
Me: Piller's
Fossil: What?
Me: Piller's
Fossil: What-ners
MeL P-i-l-l-e-r's
Fossil: I don't know. Does it have garlic?
Me: No. It looks good though, I would take that one.
Fossil: (soul gaze) I've got a grandson. He likes garlic in his meat too.
Me: (brain implosion)

Needless to say this incident couldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes, but it left a lasting impression on me. Good for this old lady to be self-reliant and do her own groceries. Hats off to her crazy garlic-loving senility.

My Life as a Blog

2006-01-11T20:45:00.000-05:00

Lad(s) and Lasses...I have neglected this blog for many good reasons, one being that I am not particularily at the height of my HILARY-tee because I am happy and well adjusted and therefore lacking the neurosis that was the driving force behind my humour.

To keep things au courrant, I am encorporating a new feature in the coming days: story time! These stories will be interesting, but I cannot promise they will be my own. I have one in mind, a little ditty I'd like to call "A Brush with Disaster". Compared to my usual fare, this story is pretty tame, because it is of Czech origen and therefore inherently less scandalous.

In other news:

1) I wore green and blue polka dot socks today. They were good in my boots, just the right thickness. I normaly wear only black so it was kinda wild.

2) For the first time in forever, I walked in the rain without an umbrella and was not preturbed in the slightest.

3) I got my ass SERVED to me in squash... I was a sweaty mess, I am out of shape.

4) A friend who shall remain nameless referred to shaved male legs as "buttery".

That is all. Any questions will be forwarded to my secretary.

So Many Things

2006-01-05T11:34:00.000-05:00

I need a story, a mindbending nosebleed of a tale. I want to make a funny digital short, I crave such things. Andy Milonakis has a funny blog. I met him at a party in L.A, his friend hit on me, I rule.

A Note to Alice Tennur

2005-12-24T11:25:00.000-05:00

¨You're my beggest fan¨, Love Joanna Smithe.

Dear Antonia: I clearly have not retained anything that you have taught me. I'm not in Cordoba, and that is all I can say properly. Thank you for making my year/ life by drooling that day in front of everyone and then continuing on as if nothing happened. You are a good woman, feliz navidad.

Oh Rly? Yeah Rly?

2005-12-20T18:14:00.000-05:00

It's all about DIRTY OLD PROM QUEEN. I've been in stiches since I discovered it yesterday. You will love it, I assure. Added the link to the sidebar.

Enthropy

2005-12-12T15:04:00.000-05:00

Today is a new day and its looking kinda old school. Let me take stock:

1) It is mid afternoon and I am wearing pyjamas. No, not lounging clothes, Hugh Hef style, but a yellow flannel snowflake number.

2) I have not left my apartment, but I have: watched Ellen, The Price is Right (why?) and fell asleep during Vicki Gabereau.
I also spoke to Aimee on the phone, scoped Rotten Tomatoes, pulled a couple of strings in the local entertainment biz and watched the new Variety Shac video multiple times.

3) My food intake has consited of: Lucky Charms, Yogurt, Granola Bar, Tea. I know two year olds whose pallettes are too sophisticated for this fare. I am twelve.

4) I just came up with a joke that is so cheesy and lame that it made me cringe, even after laughing about it for ten minutes. I do not feel like sharing it, but I'm sure it will slip out during the holidays once or twice and I will look to everyone with a still soliciting eye in hopes of generating some sympathy laughter, Joyce Behar-style.

Silent Pirates

2005-12-08T13:31:00.000-05:00

Live quoting from my conference call with Bones and Aimee:

Aimee:"Kitty died"
A&V: "awww...sorry"
Aimee: "No it was kinda gross. I was eating nachos and watching her not move for two hours before I realized she was dead. I even poked her tail"
Alex: "Hahahaha, did you move her?"
Aimee: "Naw, I just left that for my mom"
Van: "Now I can come over to your house"

A&A: What's new in your life?
Van: "ummm..my room is dirty. Oh I got a new roommate. She lives upstairs, she's a Puerto Rican bodybuilder, I think."

Van: "I started rapping, like rhyming all the time. I want to be a rapper. I went to a bowling alley yesterday with Lexi and her friends, we started doing a kareoke rendition of Spice Girls song and during a 16 bar instrumental I started rapping".
Aimee: "At the bowling alley?"
Van: "That's my crowd...bowlers"

No, this is not a movie still from Lorenzo's Oil, I am that pale and whispy naturally. These are my girls, forever.

OMFG I'm Done!

2005-12-02T11:51:00.000-05:00

I just finished my final essay for the class I would like to think of as "Bilbo Baggins' Hades". This is monumental, I am free, or at least semi-liberated!! Release, release, SALVATION, repeat.

I don't even care that it is snowing outside! So happy, so so satisfied. CELEBRATION TIME:
I celebrate by getting my groove on, walker and all.

Bathos for Babs

2005-11-25T21:17:00.000-05:00

You won't believe this, because I can't: I was looking through a list of my old music (circa CEGEP) on my computer and I noticed that for some unexplained reason I have Barbara Streisand's "Memories" on my playlist. To add insult to injury, the tagline says "Music From CATS", which must have been a selling point at the time. No, I do not remember downloading this, but I do take full credit for doing so, seeing that I am the only person who uses this computer. I am so embarrassed I want to go back in time and whip myself with a leather belt.
Someone must have put a gun to my head to download it, maybe the financial backer from the Toronto production of CATS.

"My Wrists Are on Fire, Sally"

2005-11-25T12:17:00.000-05:00

Last night I tossed in bed for a good hour, the veins in my hands were throbbing. I think I developped carpal tunnel syndrome from typing like an neanderthal. Somebody needs to break me, give me a bottom-up typing class a la Mavis Beacon (holla).

As for other matters,I just have to comment on the trend of people "hanging out" in public bathrooms. When did this become Kosher? Seriously people, this is the lowest,scummy behaviour. I personally like to spend the least amount of time possible in one of these hell holes, but that's just me.

I feel like just a baby, portrait of a lady

2005-11-24T17:53:00.000-05:00

I am craving a good laugh right now...A breathless, teary eyed, euphoric laugh; the kind that leaves you unable to stand. Take in mind that I have just read the depression that is King Lear, so pretty much anything will elicit such laughter in my choleric mind. My brain just needs to bathe in some sweet seratonin for a while, let that marinate.

All things considered I am happy! I have have been wrapt up in an amazing, ridiculous, all-consuming whirlwind these past few weeks. I would wish for my world to stop spinning, but where is the fun in that? It's nice to know that I have people in my corner, especially in these dreary, depressing winter days. Speaking of which, the rooftop of the apartment across my street is shaped like a V, and as the snow drifts onto it, it oddly resembles a martini glass filling up. Yeah you know someone's a lush when...

Nougat Mail

2005-11-22T18:08:00.000-05:00

I just ate a piece of almond nougat that my mom got at some middle eastern store: texture was awesome, taste left something to be desired--> hints of jasmine and rose water, they have no place in candy.

I have been working on a fiendish poli sci paper all day. Let me give you a visualization: Me, hair in loose pony tail, yellow snowflake jammies, complexion of Jessica Tandy (cira Driving Miss Daisy). I have not uttered one word all day, which I'd like to label as "liberating", but I will chalk it up to my hermit-like eXistenZ. All I do is check my mail and procrastinate, a deadly combo. Take in mind that I am still smiling, despite all this and the snow.

Gem in Eye

2005-11-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry sister for your Gemini loss, but at least you got to drink free booze and keep your job!
This will cheer you up: the Dutch have created a procedure to implant jewlery in eyeballs. That's exactly where I want my rocks, where I can see them.

Ay Dios Mio!

2005-11-19T14:28:00.000-05:00

I'm just working away on a little paper as we speak, but I am so distracted by the INTENSE yelling that I hear from beneath my floorboards. OMG, it sounds like a grown man is being reamed by his elderly Spanish/ Portuguese mother. I personally have heard the word "puta" tossed around six times at least. This is embarrassing...for him, and it is distracting for me. HOLY SHIT..wow, new outburst, I won't be surprised if this ends with a bitchslap/ gun shot.

The Suite Hereafter

2005-11-19T11:26:00.000-05:00

I woke up a little while ago, meandered into my kitchen and made myself some coffee. When I drink coffee, I like to watch T.V, just so I have someone to talk to. So I turn on the tube and to my dismay there is nothing on but Saturday morning children's drivel (which I stopped watching post-Ninja Turtles era). I decided I could sit through five minutes of this crap, but I was not prepared for what I was to witness:

The show I happened to stumble upon was centered around the "kooky" domestic lives of 11 year old twins who live with their mom and their maid (played by Estelle Harris, clearly picking up on the trend of post-Seinfeld disasters) in a hotel. BTW, these twins are the same little douche bags who "catapulted" to fame in 1999 in the crap-fest "Big Daddy" with Adam Sandler. I was shocked/ appalled/ amused by the fact that these HORRIBLY UNTALENTED pint-sized thespians get paid to act. Not to mention the pander they had to deliver was so unfunny, I could have barfed a better script onto a cocktail napkin. I was clearly so fascinated by this car wreck that I took the time to IMDB it and find out what's the dilly:

THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK AND CODY: "Cole and Dylan Sprouse star in this bright new comedy for the Disney Channel about identical twins living at the Tipton Hotel with their single mother who is a lounge singer at the hotel. Ashley Michelle Tisdale stars as the hotel's teenage gift shop clerk and part-time babysitter who foils the twins' antics"

Did I forget to mention that their mother resembles a blonde, but haggard Carol Burnett after a coke binge? I have heard enough hotel oriented puns to last me a lifetime now.

Here's a jem of dialogue, kinda Freudian too:
Carey: He's just trying to keep this hotel running smoothly, and you guys tend to be *un-smooth*.
Cody Martin: Yeah. Un-smooth like when mom doesn't shave her legs for two weeks.

Don't stare at this image too long, it has a tendency to sear itself into your brain and then cause a grand mal seizure.

Anyways, I have a creepy premonition that I will be sued for slander by Disney after this post, so I say long live free speech, like any good liberal girl would.

I Just Can't Think Straight

2005-11-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

I have demolished my own lexicon, so do not expect great shakes from me today. I am apt to forget everything in my life unless I write a little note about it (i.e I just remembered that a mouse ate my cherished stocking this past Christmas, so sad). I have copious amounts of work to do, but I can't bring myself to start...I am eating Mediterranean set style yoghurt.

P.S: I'm so happy that you can see this pun. Tongue in cheek, all the way.

Disturbing Realization

2005-11-13T10:27:00.000-05:00

I went to Janna's "Fucking Sweet" birthday party yesterday and I took quite a few pictures, but when I uploaded them to my computer this morning, I noticed that my hands are EXTREMELY awkward in every picture. Take a look for yourself:

This one looks like I'm making a gang symbol.

This is what I term my "Vanna White" hand. Display purposes only.

This one is special because these are my "action hands", so delicately gripping my phone like a velociraptor.

And now the piece de resistance: My hands awkwardly holding a kitten!
No animals were harmed in the taking of this picture. Please don't hold this against me, I love animals.

I know it's hard to believe, but my hands aren't really that insanely retarded normally, they're just not photogenic.

Verbal Exchange

2005-11-12T12:06:00.000-05:00

This is the verbatim transcript of the conversation I overheard my parents having while I was eating breakfast this morning:

Mom:(serious, worried tone) Dave, you just stepped on a ladybug, you crushed it, God!

Dad: Hunh..what?

Mom:(bending down for closer inspection)Oh, it was just a raisin.

In other exciting news I finished a Sudoku in record time ce matin. I just started doing them, but I feel like I am unusually adept. Somebody should cat-scan or MRI my brainzel while I'm doing one.

Riding Bareback

2005-11-11T19:43:00.000-05:00

I'm introducing a new feature today, it's called "A Tan Predicts the Future". I'd like to think that I have a finger on the pulse of pop culture, so I will venture a clairvoyant vision into the Next Big Thing in terms of cinematic crushes: Max Minghella. Max is the son of director Anthony Minghella (Cold Mountain) and at twenty big ones, he's a ripe and viable undergrad at Columbia (also the alma matter of my personal obsession Jake G). M.M is set to grace the big screen in Bee Season alongside Richard Gere and in Syriana with George Clooney this year. Take in mind that my prediction is not truly avant guard, buzz about this hottie has been floating around H-Wood for a while, but I want to lay down dibs while I still can, while the meat is fresh.
Chaud

P.s I apologize the low-brow nature fo this post. I'm on a P.C, my life is not the same, I am a cretin.

Ode to Cotton Balls

2005-11-04T20:34:00.000-05:00

This is my rad-i-cal ee cummings style tribute to those soft little heaven sent puffs:

"Personelle-Giant Puffs"- by A Tan
u are so
Soft and I didn't know
that I wanted you/
needed you so bad-ly
that day I went to
pharmaprix,
but I bought u anyway,
such a big bag, thought I,
100 plus twenty (eco-no-mically
sized). Ev'ry day u touch,
my face--
wipe off my maquillage, my polish,
I know, that you, were
so worth it.

No folks, this is not some clever euphemism, this my real love for a humble hygienic product whose slutty sister (cotton swab) always steals the hype.

Your Gordon Gekko to My Bud Fox

2005-11-09T19:38:00.000-05:00

As much as I love power positions, it's a damn shame to find myself on the bottom. I've said it, I'm defeated. You are a psychological genius, a true mastermind. I just bought one thousand shares of you, because your "sell" is unparalleled:

I'm so tired I would buy anything now. This includes "Shamp Delicato"Nothing screams medical grade scalp cleanser like Shamp Delicato. I took this pic in front of a ceratin St-Laurent coiffeuse that I certainly won't be attending, hint hint.

The White Stripes-Denial Twist

2005-11-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else seen this video? It features a prominent appearance by my man-bride Conan and it's directed by Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine) so you know it is weird, but ultimately fascinating. There's a link to the vid at Oh No, so I shall spare the redundancy of posting it.